One of Professor Birdsong’s favorite students who writes under the “nom de plume,” Hal Horn, has written a satirical piece about our economic and moral plight which is a very interesting and thought provoking read. Jonathan Swift would be proud of this. Read and enjoy.
A Simple Solution Set to the Economic and Moral Plight of the American Republic
Written By: Hal Horn Edited by: Kanjo Sodes
The American Republic has come to the precipice of a great quandary regarding the direction in which the nation must take in order to remain a global sovereign, economic leader, and a beacon of moral virtue. As national debt spirals out of control, our mortal enemies are frothing at the mouth for the simplest of chances to attack our way of life. Americans are petrified, and with absolute good reason! One must not look far in this country to find a socialist who wishes to bring down our free market, a terrorist wishing to destroy the American ideal, a mother who wishes to murder her innocent unborn child, or even a homosexual who wishes to force his singular life choice onto the ever tolerant masses, let alone the immigrants who would like nothing more then to infiltrate this country in order to destroy the basis of our free civilization: quality vegetables at affordable prices.
We are a nation founded on Christian principles; on moral principles which for two hundred and eight years reigned supreme -keeping our fair nation in God’s good graces. Yet, our great nation is at cross-roads in which we must be a people of action! In order to prevent the complete degradation of our ideals and values, we must redefine what it means to be an American. We must redefine what it is we stand for, so it can be understood by others then our treasonous liberal elite.
I have pondered this great dilemma ad-nauseum, and I feel that I have reached a series of solutions which, if enacted, would preserve our great way of life. I have spent many an hour wracked with a sense of hopelessness as I have heard proposed actions which have always fell short of their intended purpose. Our Constitution, a brilliant rigid, inelastic and unchanging document, has been misinterpreted for far too long. It is time we take back the reigns of an out of control society and bring those who would harm it to their knees.
The first of my proposals, which I am confident the reader will find to be as modest as any other is in regard to our First Amendment. It is evident that the Supreme Court decision regarding Citizens United v. The Federal Elections Commission was a step in the right direction. I understand the average American can not be bothered with reading such a lengthy and arduous document, so I shall paraphrase for the masses. This brilliant decision removed the cap on campaign donations by corporate entities. The esteemed Justice Kennedy stated; “If the First Amendment has any force, it prohibits Congress from fining or jailing citizens, or associations of citizens, for simply engaging in political speech.” Corporations are made of investors, or an association of citizens bound together for the common purpose of contributing to the modern economy. Who are we to limit their political speech? Yet, this landmark decision while a step in the right direction did not go far enough. The American public is far too occupied with the pursuit of happiness to spend valuable time trying to decipher exactly what it is politicians are attempting to do to our nation.
The first step I modestly propose is to revoke the voting rights of the average citizen, and place this very same vote in the hands of the very corporate entities which have the means and resources protected by the politicians that support them to decide what is good for our nation. I am a firm believer in the free market, and what is more capitalist than allowing the free market to decide who governs? The Liberal elite want otherwise; however, this foolishness would give the average person far too much power in this nation, while those who are informed and provide our engine of wealth and prosperity would be silenced.
The second step I so modestly propose also relates to our First Amendment. This grand Amendment prohibits the making of any law respecting an establishment of religion. While this amendment had the loftiest of goals, it has been twisted by activist judges over the many decades to provide pagans with the right to practice abhorrent rituals in our very nation. Our founding fathers were God fearing men, and, as such, believed their countrymen to be intelligent enough to understand that this amendment gave the freedom to practice any Christian religion they pleased. Papists to Episcopalians, Baptists to Lutherans, these are the masses that encompass the very morals our founding fathers created this great nation. The second of my so modest proposals is to redefine what is recognized in this nation as a religion. Too long have the Jews, Muslims, and ghastly secularists corrupted our way of life with their ideas of civil society and peace living contributions. The Jews have skewed the media, while the Muslims have declared a holy war on our people. And the secularist godless ways have opened the door to give a mother the choice to kill her child, and the homosexual the right to corrupt our children with their life choices. Alas, some would have us state that any citizen is free to practice any religion they choose, and no religious organization should be classified as tax-exempt. But this would further remove us from our Christian roots, which are the very principals which will save us.
The third of my modest proposals as a solution to our plight is regarding the issue of homosexuals. For too long this group of well dressed, heathens has attempted to undermine our most treasured rites of societal passage:divorce, infidelity and wearing white after labor day. They wish to make a mockery of our institution of marriage. They wish to undermine the morale of our brave fighting forces with attempts at seduction. A brilliant scientist, who happens to be a an acquaintance of mine from England has stated to me that studies have been conducted that clearly show that nothing secures a higher rank in homosexual culture then by convincing a moral God fearing straight man to delve into the debauchery of their life choice. I so modestly propose that we solve this moral issue by giving the homosexual exactly what they want. I suggest we portion two sections of that godless heathen state of California, and allow that as a homosexual reservation. We can name the portion for males Sodom, and the portion for females Gomorrah. And since these unsaved souls wish to join the military, I suggest we have an all homosexual unit where they may fight and frolic together. The same English scientist has stated to me that there is no other group more inclined to violence then these homosexuals, so why not have them serve in the infantry? A few of the liberal elite, who wish to collapse our moral society, have suggested that we should kowtow to this group, and give them equal rights. There could not be a more dangerous solution. If we allow the gays to marry, what will happen next? Will we have people marrying animals? Will we have our children being indoctrinated into this godless life choice? And to think that we would subject our best and bravest to the threat of buggery while bravely fighting our enemies who wish to destroy us with the weapons of mass destruction they have so skillfully accumulated and hidden from us? I think not.
My next modest proposal comes on the topic of abortion. My solution is simple. If you take the life of an unborn child, you shall be executed. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. We must let these godless women know that there is no greater crime then murdering a child. What if Jesus had been aborted? Or Ronald Reagan? Or the white knight which attempted to save this great nation George W. Bush? We cannot take the chance of losing not only a future great leader, but of angering God. Some have spread the parasitic idea that the privacy of a woman is paramount. This could not be further from the truth. The life of these children is paramount. And the claims that aborted children are often the product of the poor, who in turn would provide a burden on the other responsible, hard working, God fearing Americans. Yet, even these little angels have a place in my plan for a future utopia.
We have been besieged by socialists who wish to take away our rights to a doctor, and give even the basest, immoral, godless citizen an equal right to our health care! Why shall someone who comes from destitute roots, who has not provided anything else to the common good, have an equal chance at the health care that the productive members of society truly deserve. I suggest a simple solution. If someone is not insured, and cannot afford the health care to prolong their burdensome life, they shall be donated so that those who can afford health care will have an abundance of organs to prolong the lives of those who contribute to our great society. Imagine the amount of medical breakthroughs we could make with human subjects to test upon. There are those who contend that every person is entitled to health care, to the medicine that our wealthy and productive members require. This could not be further from the truth. Health care is a privilege for the worthy contributors, not a right for the monetary mooches of society. Look at the socialist strongholds in Canada and Sweden; could there be lower quality of life?
There are some who would fight to preserve our lofty ideals. In Arizona, they have made attempts to rid our nation of the plague of illegal immigrants. How can we prosper as unemployment soars, while allowing illegal immigrants to work! I know many men who long for the chance to pick our fruit for eighty cents an hour. That is money which could be going into the pockets of hard working Americans!
Our nation has been besieged by those who would destroy us. We were fooled into granting power to someone who may or may not be even eligible to serve. We have been through our hard times, but in this trying climate we need a decider. Yes, debt skyrocketed as the esteemed George W. Bush engaged us in two wars. Yet we are safe! The attackers who cowardly assaulted us may not have been representatives of Iraq and Afghanistan, yet our great leader sent a message to those barbarians in the sand that we will not be vanquished! Yes he cut taxes for the upper two percent, but the rich in this nation are our hardest working people and deserve to preserve their wealth. He took a step in the right direction, by limiting the constitutional protections to only our citizens, as water boarding provided us with knowledge which kept another attack from occurring. There are those who state that not only does torture not work, but provides false information, and I say that is balderdash. These same people, these liberal elite cloud the average American’s mind with claims that the socialist Obama has cut taxes for the middle class with the Small Business Jobs Act of 2010. They claim absurdities that his frivolous spending to bail out the banking industry turned a profit while saving our financial industry. These liberal elite make raucous claims that our Gross Domestic Profit has been on the rise over the last five quarters. We cannot allow these claims to destroy our resolve! That traitor Obama just as I type these modest proposals spent two hundred million rupees a day on his trip to India. And we all know a dollar by any other name is just as green.
So I conclude my plan for American dominance, with a quote by a great American, one of our founding fathers who helped forge the rock this great nation was founded upon; “Those who would sacrifice safety for freedom, deserve neither safety nor freedom.” –Benjamin Franklin