Professor Birdsong

Weird Criminal Law Stories # 412: Me Tarzan – You Jane

CALIFORNIA: Me Tarzan – You Jane… A man who claimed to be Tarzan was arrested after he climbed a tree and tried to get into a zoo’s monkey exhibit, authorities said. The shirtless man plastered in mud had climbed about 20 feet into tree at the bird exhibit at Santa Ana Zoo. He was apparently high on meth police said when they arrested him.

CONNECTICUT: Nope – no good deed goes unpunished. A man is accused of kidnapping and feeding a man he thought was homeless. David Pope was arrested after he tried to take a 77-year-old man he had seen in Danbury pushing a cart of cans and bottles. Despite refusing his advances, Pope grabbed the man by the arm and forced him back to his house. After being fed by Pope and bit by a pit bull, the man escaped and called police.

DELAWARE: It is apparent that this lady wants to hold on to her youth… Former Baltimore Ravens cheerleader Molly Shattuck was sentenced to two years of probation after pleading guilty to raping a 15-year-old boy at a vacation home in Delaware. Shattuck, 48, collapsed to her knees (more…)

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Weird Criminal Law Stories # 411: Good Old England!

ENGLAND: She must have not been much of a girlfriend! A man was arrested for having sex with his girlfriend’s dog after she discovered a cell phone video of him doing the deed with the dog. The 19-year-old perv admitted to having sex with the bull terrier after the girlfriend took his phone to the police station and showed the footage. Upon his arrest police found him in possession of marijuana.


ENGLAND: The headline read: “This puppy should be in the doghouse.” Zeus a 6-month-old British greyhound blew up his owner’s house by chewing through a deodorant can. The can leaked flammable fumes near a hot water heater, which exploded when the boiler came on. No one was hurt. Kerry Leach, the puppy’s owner, was forgiving saying, “he’s just a pup that will chew through anything.”


ENGLAND: Fracking Nitwits, yes? A pair of anti-fracking protesters in England thought they would strike a blow for their cause by gluing themselves to a gas pump at a station (more…)

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Weird Criminal Law Stories # 410: No Wiz in NYC…

NEW YORK: The headline read: “The suspect was no wiz.” It has been reported that a Brooklyn man police suspected of public urination was a 26-year-old who shot himself in the groin as he tried to hide his handgun from officers who thought he was relieving himself. Patrol officers spotted Javier Thomas at 1:00 am near a street corner with his back to them. Believing he was reliving himself the officers approached. However, Thomas was actually re-positioning his loaded Glock 19 he was carrying. Upon seeing the officers he tried to yank the gun from his trousers and in his haste he accidently pulled the trigger. The maimed Thomas tried to limp away from the scene but was caught by the police. They recovered the gun and Thomas has been charged with reckless endangerment and criminal possession of a weapon.


NEW YORK: Dying for a smoke? Last year a Staten Island smoker with an oxygen tank lit up a smoke last January and wound up burning himself to (more…)

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Weird Criminal Law Stories # 409: Sticker Shock

OREGON: Cell phone bill sticker shock! Ken Slusher of the town of Damascus expected his cellphone bill to be around $120. So he was very stunned when Verizon advised him that he owed them $2.2 Million! In an apology, Verizon blamed “a programming error in an automate voice-response system that cause him to receive an incorrect message that he owed over $2 Million.


CONNECTICUT: She needed a spell checker on her key. A 20-year-old woman from Stamford, who was seeking revenge on her philandering boyfriend allegedly, used a key to scratch the word “wore” into the side of the victim’s vehicle. Police report. Obviously, she meant to scratch the word “whore.” Nevertheless, the misspelling landed her in jail on a second-degree criminal mischief charge.


CHINA: Free Airport Eats? A Chinese man found that you could get a free lunch if you ate at the airport. The man managed to scam months’ worth of free meals in the (more…)

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Weird Criminal Law Stories # 408: Malicious Castration!!

NORTH CAROLINA: OOOOOUUCCHHH!!! A 51-year-old resident has been charged with assault and malicious castration after she bit her boyfriend’s testicles during a domestic dispute. The police report reveals that the alleged victim required eight stitches, but suffered no long term damage.


OREGON: The headline read: “Con err.” A man tried to get out of a possible traffic ticket by calling 911 and reporting a fake shooting while the officer was distracted. Salvador Sanchez, 42, thought he could get the officer to leave the scene of his traffic stop. However, the 911 call he had place was traced right back to his cell phone.


ARIZONA:  Right back to jail you go, you idiot! A Phoenix man just released from county jail on drug charges ran laps around the facility to celebrate his freedom – then tried to carjack a (more…)

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Weird Criminal Law Stories # 407: Tinkle, Tinkle Little Star…

TEXAS: Tinkle, tinkle little star… Daniel Athens, 23, of El Paso must pay a $4,000 fine and could have faced up to 10 months in jail after pleading guilty to urinating on the Alamo – a felony crime! Athens was tackled by a member of the Alamo rangers after ducking under a barrier chain in front of the San Antonio landmark to get close enough to urinate on the façade.


VIRGINIA: What a load of bull! Police in Mount Solon have put out an all-points bulletin after someone stole a load of bull semen. Police said 10 containers of the semen – worth up to $500 on the black market – were taken from a barn. Police also report if the thieves didn’t store the semen in liquid nitrogen, it could be ruined.


PENNSYLVANIA: The headline read: Nails of steal.” A few Sundays ago a salon worker painted a man’s nails just before closing time, only to have the customer turn around, hold the workers and gunpoint (more…)

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P15-(2)Professor Birdsong received his J.D. from the Harvard Law School and his B.A. from Howard University. He teaches law in Orlando, Florida. After graduation from law school he worked several years with a large law firm. He then entered into a varied and distinguished career in government service. First serving as a diplomat with the State Department with various postings in Nigeria, Germany and the Bahamas. Professor Birdsong later served as a federal prosecutor. After leaving government service, Professor Birdsong was in private law practice. He has done on-air radio and TV legal analysis work for Fox News, CNN, Court TV and BET TV News. Currently, Professor Birdsong is occasionally invited to appear as a legal commentator on Fox Radio News, CBS Radio and MSNBC.

Aside from writing scholarly papers on law and humor books on criminal law, Professor Birdsong loves to play piano, cycle, swim and every other year, he enjoys walking the streets of Paris with his lovely wife.

Although he has been involved in serious criminal law work over the years as a prosecutor, a defense attorney, and a law professor, Professor Birdsong knows that it is good to stayed grounded. This means often taking time to look at the many funny and weird criminal law stories that crop up around the United States and the world. He believes we should not always take criminal law so seriously and instead, just have a good laugh at some of the silly foibles of dumb criminals and their crimes. That is why several years ago he began to collect and edit from the wire services and news the type of weird and funny criminal law stories that appear in this volume.

Professor Birdsong hopes that you will get a few good laughs or at least, some chuckles from his collection of weird criminal law stories and his “snarky” commentary accompanying each of them.

View Birdsong’s Collection of books