Professor Birdsong

Weird Criminal Law Stories # 408: Malicious Castration!!

NORTH CAROLINA: OOOOOUUCCHHH!!! A 51-year-old resident has been charged with assault and malicious castration after she bit her boyfriend’s testicles during a domestic dispute. The police report reveals that the alleged victim required eight stitches, but suffered no long term damage.


OREGON: The headline read: “Con err.” A man tried to get out of a possible traffic ticket by calling 911 and reporting a fake shooting while the officer was distracted. Salvador Sanchez, 42, thought he could get the officer to leave the scene of his traffic stop. However, the 911 call he had place was traced right back to his cell phone.


ARIZONA:  Right back to jail you go, you idiot! A Phoenix man just released from county jail on drug charges ran laps around the facility to celebrate his freedom – then tried to carjack a (more…)

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Weird Criminal Law Stories # 407: Tinkle, Tinkle Little Star…

TEXAS: Tinkle, tinkle little star… Daniel Athens, 23, of El Paso must pay a $4,000 fine and could have faced up to 10 months in jail after pleading guilty to urinating on the Alamo – a felony crime! Athens was tackled by a member of the Alamo rangers after ducking under a barrier chain in front of the San Antonio landmark to get close enough to urinate on the façade.


VIRGINIA: What a load of bull! Police in Mount Solon have put out an all-points bulletin after someone stole a load of bull semen. Police said 10 containers of the semen – worth up to $500 on the black market – were taken from a barn. Police also report if the thieves didn’t store the semen in liquid nitrogen, it could be ruined.


PENNSYLVANIA: The headline read: Nails of steal.” A few Sundays ago a salon worker painted a man’s nails just before closing time, only to have the customer turn around, hold the workers and gunpoint (more…)

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Weird Criminal Law Stories # 406: Busted Rubber??

NEW HAMPSHIRE: Remember this is the Live Free or Die State! This action doesn’t sound like living free! We learn that this state has recently recalled 500 books of cocktail recipes that the state had printed and distributed to state-run liquor stores. Why? A state Liquor Commission spokesperson said the guides should have been vetted more closely to omit drink names including “Stripper Mom,” “Busted Rubber” and “Panty Dropper.”


NEVADA: Her attorney says she will fight the charges! I say there’s not a chance she’ll win. Last year a Vegas pet shop owner who prosecutors contend was seen on security cameras torching her store with 27 puppies inside was handcuffed and taken to jail. The judge in the case set her bail at $250,000 which made her stay in jail for quite some time before trial. Animal rights activist protested the bail set for Hye Lee and a new judge in the case raised the bail to $310,000. Although Lee has been charged with felony burglary and arson charges, fire fighters were able to rescue all the pups that were not harmed.

NEW MEXICO: Caught sleeping, he was really taken for a ride. An Albuquerque ambulance employee was grabbing a bit of sleep in the back of his vehicle at 3 am when a coupled hopped in (more…)

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Weird Criminal Law Stories # 405: Only in Florida Redux

FLORIDA: An old saying goes – Candy is dandy but incest is best! Don’t believe it! We learn in a recent report that Mr. Aron Fink, a Deerfield man, left home one Thursday in August believing he was going to meet his new incest family. Instead, the 43-year-old Mr. Fink met an undercover deputy he had been communicating with for months online about his fantasy of starting an incest family. The deputy had been posing as a mother of two girls 8 and 12-years-old, and Mr. Fink wanted to engage in sex acts with the mother and the daughters. Of course, Mr. Fink was arrested by Palm Beach County Sheriffs’ deputies who charged him with using a computer to solicit consent from parents to conduct sex acts on children. The online relationship between the officer posing as the mother and Fink lasted almost three months. According to the arrest report Mr. Fink wanted to have children with the woman, in addition to having sex with her young daughters. He allegedly said they would have a “nice family.” Mr. Fink is now spending time in the Palm Beach County jail in lieu of $40,000 bail.


FLORIDA: The first shall be last and the last shall be first, maybe? A Lake County corrections officer recently agreed to a plea agreement that will give him 15 years in a federal prison. Why? Greed. In early 2015 officer Robert Brown 32, allegedly began smuggling contraband into the Coleman Federal Correctional complex in Sumter County in exchange for cash. Federal agents began monitoring (more…)

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Weird Criminal Law Stories # 404: A Real Hoot?

MASSACHUSETTS: The headline read: “A real hoot!” A drunken driver smashed his car into a snowbank, drove off with police on his tail, then jumped over a guardrail and ran into some woods. Police spotted him an hour later – 30 feet up in a tree he had climbed. The man asked the police had they caught the “guy who had crashed.” Then he explained it could not have been him because he was an owl.


MISSOURI: This one will probably be dismissed very soon. A couple was arrested for shooting a fast-food drive-through clerk — with a Nerf gun. Stephanie W 22, and Mark A, 26 were charged with assault despite not causing any injuries with the stunt caught on surveillance video in suburban St. Louis.


NEW JERSEY: Maybe Brad Pitt put them up to this! Two day-care workers accused of running a kiddie “Fight Club” recently pleaded not guilty to charges of cruelty to children and child neglect in connection with the brawls they had children ages 4 to 6 enact at the Lightbridge Academy in the town of Cranford. It is alleged that Ms. White set up the fights and Ms. Kenny video-recorded (more…)

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Weird Criminal Law Stories # 403: Totally Socks!

MICHIGAN: The headline read: “This marijuana totally socks.” A man who brought a backpack stuffed with dirty socks to a couple looking to buy a pound of pot is facing prison time. It is reported that a fraudulent marijuana sale in Lenawee County’s Raisin Township was described in court when Michael Suarez pleaded guilty to false pretenses in July 2015. The 33-year-old Suarez said he “didn’t bring any weed” and instead had “a bag of dirty socks.” Nevertheless, he faces up to 7 year in prison when sentenced.


MICHIGAN: The follow-up to the previous story. We learn that in September Michael Suarez was sentenced to one year in jail after he was caught in July trying to sell a backpack of dirty socks as marijuana. Suarez, already a convicted felon, was using the dirty laundry to try to score $2,800 in a pot deal gone bad. We hope he will stay out of trouble with laundry after he finishes his sentence.


MASSACHUSETTS: One word: NITWITS! Three men in Springfield held up a food-delivery driver at knifepoint and tried to make off with his car. One problem! None of (more…)

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P15-(2)Professor Birdsong received his J.D. from the Harvard Law School and his B.A. from Howard University. He teaches law in Orlando, Florida. After graduation from law school he worked several years with a large law firm. He then entered into a varied and distinguished career in government service. First serving as a diplomat with the State Department with various postings in Nigeria, Germany and the Bahamas. Professor Birdsong later served as a federal prosecutor. After leaving government service, Professor Birdsong was in private law practice. He has done on-air radio and TV legal analysis work for Fox News, CNN, Court TV and BET TV News. Currently, Professor Birdsong is occasionally invited to appear as a legal commentator on Fox Radio News, CBS Radio and MSNBC.

Aside from writing scholarly papers on law and humor books on criminal law, Professor Birdsong loves to play piano, cycle, swim and every other year, he enjoys walking the streets of Paris with his lovely wife.

Although he has been involved in serious criminal law work over the years as a prosecutor, a defense attorney, and a law professor, Professor Birdsong knows that it is good to stayed grounded. This means often taking time to look at the many funny and weird criminal law stories that crop up around the United States and the world. He believes we should not always take criminal law so seriously and instead, just have a good laugh at some of the silly foibles of dumb criminals and their crimes. That is why several years ago he began to collect and edit from the wire services and news the type of weird and funny criminal law stories that appear in this volume.

Professor Birdsong hopes that you will get a few good laughs or at least, some chuckles from his collection of weird criminal law stories and his “snarky” commentary accompanying each of them.

View Birdsong’s Collection of books