ARIZONA: “Penis Man?” We learn that police have arrested a man known as the “Penis Man” graffiti artist. Dustin Shomer, 38, is accused of spray-painting the phrase all over Tempe and Arizona State University in the first weeks of 2020. In a Facebook post Shomer stated he had spent 24 hours in custody after the SWAT team raided his condo. Can he tell us whether he is the “Penis Man?”
ARIZONA: A true case of bad, bad vibrations. It has been reported that a Mesa woman needed surgery to remove a sex toy that somehow got stuck in her bladder – while still vibrating. The unidentified woman said her new pencil-thin Vesper Vibrator Necklace ended up inside her after sex with her boyfriend. It is further reported that doctors were able to safely remove the device. BZZZZZZZZZ…
CALIFORNIA: Stupid Criminals, indeed! We learn that a thief looted more than $70,000 worth of gold chains but left his ID behind. In late January 2020 a man and woman looked over jewelry in a store in the town of El Cajon for a few minutes before the man jumped over the counter and snatched all the gold chains he could. However, as they fled the jewelry store the man’s fanny pack caught on the front door and broke away from his body. Store personnel found his ID inside and gave it to police. We assume an arrest will come soon.
FLORIDA: The headline read, “He’s hell on wheels.” Recently a thief snatched $550 worth of merchandise at a Winter Haven Walmart while zipping around on high-tech skates called hover shoes, according to police. The thief, who stole paint, a bouquet of flowers, and a Roku-equipped TV, then traded his futuristic hover shoes, which move up to 6 mph, for a getaway Nissan Maxima. ZOOM!
GEORGIA: He got himself out of a pickle. Recently a jewelry-store owner fought back against a group of armed robbers. How? He did so by attacking the thugs with glass jars of pickles. The owner wasn’t publicly identified, he was coming back from lunch when he came under the would-be robbers.
INDIANA: No, no to paper bag license plates. In late December 2019.Indiana state troopers stopped to help a stranded motorist and then arrested him for driven a stolen truck that had a license plate drawn with crayon on a paper bag. Joshua Lewis-Brown, 20 told police he was unable to change his tire and needed a tow truck. They were about to oblige him when they noticed the license plates. That led them to discover the truck had been stolen from Pennsylvania a day earlier. Dim Wit!
