CALIFORNIA: The headline read, “Dog-lick perv slap.” Recently, a 37-year-old man named Sexy Vegan was sentenced in Los Angeles to two years of probation, 100 hours of community service and a 52-week sexual-offender program. Why? Vegan plead no contest to charges of disturbing the peace and sexual assault of an animal after posting online a video of a dog licking Vegans naked rear end. What a Perv!
CALIFORNIA: OOOPS! We learn that Facebook has apologized for accidentally translating the Chinese leader’s name to “Mr. Sh-thole” on the social media platform. The error allegedly was caused by a “technical issue” when a post in Burmese – written by Myanmar’s Aung San Suu Kyi about China’s Xi Jinping – was translated into English. Yeah Right…
SOUTH CAROLINA: Old school bandit, indeed. An 86-year-old bank robber was caught just blocks from the crime scene. Why? It appears he drove his getaway car too slowly, according to police. Police stopped the snail-paced Gilbert Ware a mile from the Bank of American in Greenville he allegedly robbed masked and at gunpoint.
MEXICO: The headline read, “This is no cock-and-bull story.” An unidentified man had to be hospitalized for an erection that lasted three days, after he took a sexual stimulant used for breeding bulls intending to hook u with a 30-year-old woman, according to local reports. The man underwent emergency surgery and was released from the hospital. BOING!
NORTH CAROLINA: Anger issues, perhaps? It has been reported that Barry Jones of Harrisburg, tackled his son’s high school wrestling opponent during a match in Kannapolis over a January 2020 weekend, police report. Surveillance tape clearly shows that the father ran from the sidelines and went after the other boy after he slammed Jones’ son to the mat. We believe an arrest has been made – anger issues may be the cause…
FLORIDA: SAWFISH IRONY? We learn that man was sentenced to two years’ probation, a $2,000 fine and 80 hours of community service for sawing off the snout of an endangered sawfish. Chad Ponce, a 38-year-old commercial fisherman, caught the 14-foot smalltooth in July of 2018, off the coast of Ponte Vedra and attempted to cut off its rostrom with a hacksaw before he dumped the fish back into the sea. Wonder who blew the whistle on him?
